So I've been neglectful.

yes yes yes. Apparently I've been neglectful to a bunch of things one including my ever present pile of laundry that is growing in my room. and my mom. and my health. and people that I care very dearly about.

I'm not sure how to handle this task. my gut instinct is to dash it to pieces in frustration I suppose. but my head and heart is saying no this is not rational at all. In fact it's ridiculous. completely and utterly ridiculous. stupidly ridiculous.

I don't know.

It seems like everyone knows where they've been and how to define their failings in past relationships. This doesn't happen for me. I never know exactly why things don't work--I just know something doesn't fit and that's it. I can't define things I just do. I don't think before I do because I feel like that is false--like thinking about an action might cause me to hide a feeling that I'm really feeling and thus not real. not me.

I'm at odds with myself constantly these past 10 days. that's frightening to others and when I really think about it myself. Perhaps I'm like a bull in a glass shop moving and breaking whenever I step. Maybe I should stop moving--that's why I do--fear of saying something hurtful.

sooo complicated.